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It may be helpful to note that the experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging. They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.
Why do we do this?
For starters, many of us learned by watching our parents have destructive arguments—or bottle up their anger and give each other the silent treatment. We've also been raised to believe that success means winning—and if one side wins, the other must lose.
"All couples disagree—it's how they disagree that makes the difference," says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, "You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting."
The latest findings from his research, published in June in the "Journal of Family Psychology," show that couples who reported they had negative communication before marriage—criticizing each other's opinions, rolling their eyes, leaving the room—were more likely to end up divorcing.
Although research shows that the biggest issues couples argue about are money, sex, work, kids and housework, we all know the possibilities for conflict are endless. Here are some recommendations to fight happily:
• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don't talk about it.
• DON'T ASSUME: You probably don't know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.
• FLEXIBILITY ISN'T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without "losing."
• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.
• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.
• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you're modeling good argument techniques.
• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.
• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.
Source: The Wall Street Journal, July 27, 2010
